Becoming a mother, of not just one or two, but THREE, was my dream when I was younger. Nearly 15 years down the line, here I am, mother of two… three – I dare not even imagine!

I used to dream of dressing up my kids, cooking for them, reading to them, taking them for dance and music classes, shopping with them, travelling the world, laughing, hugging and giving them a jillion kisses. I dreamed of a picture perfect motherhood.

In many ways, I am living my dream. However, the reality of my dream turned out far from picture perfect!

Little did I know motherhood was one of the hardest jobs ever. Each day feels like a whirlwind with 24 hours too short. Dragging the girls out of the bed to get ready for school, getting to their schools on time, taking the elder one to music, dance and swimming after school hours with the younger one in tow, returning home ‘planning’ the meals (often more tedious and time consuming than the process of cooking a meal), followed by preparing the meal, and if at all we find any time in between all these, squeezing in some homework or practice or reading or even a little family fun time… is a herculean task!

That just being the physical aspect of being a mother. Add to it all the emotional and mental problem solving involved in raising two little humans! It takes motherhood to a whole different challenge level!

How did our parents do it?

Why didn’t someone even give me a hint of what real motherhood was all about?

At least once or twice a month, I get overwhelmed, weary and tuck myself away into an invisible shell.

That’s when I pause and take a proper look at my girls. Although not so little anymore, they will always be my babies. The way they look at me and sometimes, up to me, shows how innocent, vulnerable and dependant they are on me. I try to take a deeper look into their mistakes and I see the emotional struggles of a 7 year old trying to fit into a new world and a new culture. Those evenings when Kaity, shares the happenings at her school, I try to hold myself back from judging and correcting her actions and I notice she is in a stage trying to figure out right from wrong and good from bad. It is then I realise what she needs is not judgement and correction, but love and guidance. And then there are those moments, when I am vulnerable and my girls begin to shower their love upon me.

Not too long before, Kaity, out of the blue while having dinner, looked at me and asked, “Mamma, where did you learn to be a mother?” 

I was taken aback with surprise as I never intended to hear something like that from her. I was quite impressed, I must say, that she actually has been paying attention to all that I have been doing. I honestly do not remember paying attention or giving credit to my mom for all that she has done for me, until I became a mother!

Wanting to hear the question from her mouth once again, I asked, “What did you say, Kaitu?”

She repeated, “Where did you learn to be a mother, mamma? Where did you learn so much? You are good, mamma!”

Yesterday, Kaity accompanied me for a family snow shoot. After I wrapped up the shoot, I took these pictures of her. As I was post processing the images, I couldn’t help but be drawn to the beautiful girl she is growing up to be. Somewhere in my crazily hectic routine of daily life, I felt I got too busy to notice the beauty, the grace and the kindness in her soul.

Being one of Michael W. Smith’s biggest fan back in the day, there was this one song I used to listen to on repeat. It’s the song ‘Anna’ he wrote and sang for his daughter. I was basically smitten by his music and I never knew the magnitude of the lyrics back then. It was yesterday, I was reminded of that song after more than a decade. This time, with my baby’s pictures in front me, I could feel every word and emotion in that song!

Dearest Kaituma,

You’re my muse

You’re my rhyme

You’re the fire warming this heart of mine

When you hear me say “I love you”,

do you know how much I do?